Thursday, January 14, 2010

Urinal Etiquette

I was in the restroom at work the other day and this guy in the next urinal glanced over to me as I was taking care of my business.  I am therefore compelled to discuss a topic near and dear to a lot of men, although not surprisingly, not near and dear to many women….urinal etiquette.

Back in the 1999 timeframe, while in the Air Force, I was traveling with an NCO. We successfully completed our official business and were returning home to California. We stopped off at the airport bathroom to drain the lizard and to change out of our uniforms into civilian clothes. I utilized proper urinal etiquette, using the available urinal, and stepped back to change clothes. The NCO proceeded to use the urinal…..then started cursing at another bathroom patron. I wasn’t sure what was going on, but I suspected someone wasn’t exercising proper urinal etiquette. Once the NCO calmed down, I inquired into the cause of his outburst. Well, apparently the onlooker was checking out the NCO’s manhood and raised his eyebrows with approval. Clearly a violation of proper urinal etiquette!

There’s a lot of information on the Internet concerning urinal etiquette. Google “proper urinal etiquette” and you’ll get a ton of information that one would never get from Miss Manners.

Here's a quick summary of proper urinal etiquette:

Look straight ahead.  Do not look to the left or right and definitely mind your own business.  Either look straight ahead or at the ceiling.

No conversations. Do not engage your neighbor in conversation, even if he is a friend or colleague. Nothing is so important it can't wait sixty seconds.

Do not select a vacant urinal adjacent to an occupied one.  This will place your neighbors in a very uncomfortable situation.  Select a vacant urinal two urinals over, leaving a vacant one between you and the next guy.

Don’t pick the middle urinal if there are only three. If there are three urinals and you are alone, do not select the middle one.  Refer to the rule above.

No noises.  I can appreciate the relief of finally draining one's bladder, especially if it was preceded with the dreaded pee-pee dance...but don’t express your satisfaction by making strange noises.  Personally, I don't want to hear a guy moaning within fifty feet of my exposed wee-wee.

Shake it, Don’t Spray It.  Give your Johnson a gentle shake, but don't be a wanker and get it all over you, the floor, or your neighbor’s shoes. And remember, if you shake it more than three times, you’re playing with it.

I took this photo in the Sport Chalet restroom in Pleasanton, California.  Please be sure to visit your local Sport Chalet store.  They have great gear, outstanding service, and the restrooms are extremely clean.

Also note the single urinal - a great way to minimize urinal etiquette violations.

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